I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
