my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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