Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
