ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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