I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
