i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
