If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
organizing the empties. That sober.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize