I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
