eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
