i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
