i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
