As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
