so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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