Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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