I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
