I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
