none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
