Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
