Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
