Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
