He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
