You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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