I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
