I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
