Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
