just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
