It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
