i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
