I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
