you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
