he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
