Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
