i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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