The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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