I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We were destined to go to rehab together
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
