i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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