OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
