got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
