That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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