I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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