It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
