WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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