Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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