it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
