Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize