I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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