Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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