At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
