Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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