Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
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Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
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I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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