Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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