i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
