Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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