i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
