I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i think i have herpe
just one?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
