I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
