i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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