I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
