Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Fuck appropriateness.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
