your thong is hanging out like whoa
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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